*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*limbos away from your hug*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.