FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
good work, everybody
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due