Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You Might Also Like
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
starting a garage orchestra
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!