[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards