before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked