Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You Might Also Like
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.