wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
This week’s mood.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*sewing*
A thread
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.