If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her