To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Investing in beetcoin
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet