I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
You Might Also Like
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.