Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[eats all your cotton candy]
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Go girl power!
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.