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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The glockness monster
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.