Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Actually cracking up @ this
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Meme Monday.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.