Happy thanksgiving
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Cndnsd Mlk
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house