North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You Might Also Like
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Life is a suicide mission.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.