The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Thank you corporation very cool