[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”