On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.