#NoRestForTheWicked
You Might Also Like
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
notice
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.