I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
You Might Also Like
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*