wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Left at a local drug store…
Happy Star Wars day!
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life