All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now