Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.