Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job