My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.