In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
just got my engagement photos
Worth the read.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.