*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?