“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party