They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.