interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Based Erika
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”