I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Mouse
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.