“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon