Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
#have a #great #PancakeDay
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
WTF IS THAT!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]