What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*