In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.