GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.