Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!