I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
They’re stuck in your pants?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.