Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
this is the greatest thing ever
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?