[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”