[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
gentlemen, hear me out
Always a metermaid never a meter
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?