I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.