same vibe as tangled headphones
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.