my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy