I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
i made a craigslist ad !
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is