bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Why is this me 😫
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Bond. Trauma bond.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Always
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.