I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
me and the Superbowl rn
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]