Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”