One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Meeeee too!
sry
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.