[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”